you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
