I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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