I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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