you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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