So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Mom said you looked used
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
