and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
