About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
