Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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