I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
