Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
