They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
someone owes me an orgasm
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
