So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
