hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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