One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
