the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
