so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
