Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
