A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
