she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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