I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
