I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
