I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
