.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need water and some morals
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
