i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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