mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
