Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
