then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's rum buckets o'clock
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
