Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
