id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
