my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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