I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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