Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
