is your mom at the bar?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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