I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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