So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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