well I can't set my house on fire every night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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