so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
