We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
