he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
