My liver just broke up with me...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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