I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
