i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
