I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
