He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
