So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
