ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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