Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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