Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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