I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
