He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
