Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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